Monday, September 19, 2022
So, where do I begin. It has been years since I have visited this blog, let alone, write in it. Life happens....I still dabble in Art, will forever dabble in art. I still had the dream of working full time on my passion when the unthinkable happened. I received a call at 11:29, Nov. 2, 2020 from my daughter-in-law telling me that my son was unresponsive, and that the paramedics were trying to bring him back. He had suffered with seizures for the previous three years--this time, when he had the seizure, he didn't come come out of it. We lost him. And, with that loss, the fire, passion and inspiration in me died. I lost the light of my life. For months, I couldn't pick up a brush, pencil or pen. I was in a trance. Slowly I began to move through the haze of despair, but it has been a long battle. An uphill climb, that has, in time, seemed insurmountable. I am not the original version of myself any longer. Sometimes, I do not recognize who I have become. I still have the need, the desire, to create but the passion is gone. Producing art was what I lived and breathed for. It's not the same. But, I am finally beginning to see the spark that was once an all consuming fire. I really don't believe that I will ever be the person that I was. Grief changes you, it morphs you into someone else. Paul was my oldest of two sons. When he was young, we were inseparable and have always had a bond-an almost tangible thread, that held us together. It is easier than it was before, but it is not the same, because I am not the same. There is a hollowness in the core of me. One that used to be filled with love for him. That love is still there, will always be there--but there is difference. There is a change that I cannot put my finger on. I can still see him, in his videos and his pictures and it feels like ages since I have seen him last, and then it feels like yesterday at the same time. So, I will continue to put one foot forward and make the motions of a normal life and hope that one day, it will not require that effort, that it will be natural.
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