Venus Blues Hideaway

 So, where do I begin.  It has been years since I have visited this blog, let alone, write in it.  Life happens....I still dabble in Art, will forever dabble in art.  I still had the dream of working full time on my  passion when the unthinkable happened.  I received a call at 11:29, Nov. 2, 2020 from my daughter-in-law telling me that my son was unresponsive, and that the paramedics were trying to bring him back.  He had suffered with seizures for the previous three years--this time, when he had the seizure, he didn't come come out of it.  We lost him.  And, with that loss, the fire, passion and inspiration in me died.  I lost the light of my life.  For months, I couldn't pick up a brush, pencil or pen.  I was in a trance.  Slowly I began to move through the haze of despair, but it has been a long battle.  An uphill climb, that has, in time, seemed insurmountable.  I am not the original version of myself any longer.  Sometimes, I do not recognize who I have become.  I still have the need, the desire, to create but the passion is gone.  Producing art was what I lived and  breathed for. It's not the same.  But, I am finally beginning to see the spark that was once an all consuming fire.  I really don't believe that I will ever be the person that I was.  Grief changes you, it morphs you into someone else.  Paul was my oldest  of two sons. When he was young, we were inseparable and have always had a bond-an almost tangible thread, that held us together.  It is easier than it was before, but it is not the same, because I am not the same.  There is a hollowness in the core of me. One that used to be filled with love for him.  That love is still there, will always be there--but there is difference. There is a change that I cannot put my finger on. I can still see him, in his videos and his pictures and it feels like ages since I have seen him last, and then it feels like yesterday at the same time. So, I will continue to put one foot forward and make the motions of a normal life and hope that one day, it will not require that effort, that it will be natural.